I do not know why I feel so shattered lately. It’s weird. I kind of do not wish to have these feelings once again back to my life. They eat me wholly and I dare not go back to the same place from where I just returned. I sometimes feel so lonely. A few months earlier when I had no friends and used to rely on Youtube and WordPress as my only escape, I thought it was the lack of people in my life that troubled me so much. But now it’s different! My Whatsapp overflows with messages from college buddies and several unwanted groups. Yet, I feel lonely, shattered, dark! I still feel to cry so hard. To mend my inner self will require time I know but every time I initiate the healing process, it happens to slowly get damaged again. The healing is a really difficult process.
I fear someday, I would open my eyes to watch a complete blankness surrounding me. The darkness that has for so long been hidden within me would suddenly reflect around me. I fear of loosing the little things I have. I try to smile grabbing the hay. No matter what I feel, how I feel, the reality won’t give a fuck about that. People will keep judging and not minding their own business. Hurdles will come my way, more and more as I grow up. My mind will remain to get even more complicated day by day. I know these all. And I know this too that I can’t resist any of these. I have to live with them, I have to survive through them.
The continuous overflow of noises in my mystical brain gets louder and louder everyday. Can’t I do anything to stop them? Even when my eyes are overloaded and I am going to fall asleep, I dare not dream. If I dream something more than I have, the morning will show it’s truth. Dreams are bad, they spoil us. They make us believe in what we desire. They drift us from reality. Yet life is an aimless ship in an eternal ocean without “dreams”. We need to dream and yet stay away from it. How mesmerizing life seems to me as I get to know it more and more. It isn’t static, it never was. It flows in it’s own waves. And who are we? We are a lonely leaf sailing with the flow. Yes, that’s what we are…..