Part-II: I was silent
Monday, 7 June, 16:51
History speaks of many souls who have touched heights through hard work. Thousands of quotes flying over social media on how a person can achieve anything he wishes just by working hard. I do not know why nobody talks of the way to bring an urge to work hard. As in the previous part, I had talked of my great desire for art, dance and literature but eventually was allowed to follow none. For somebody following my blogs it is quite easy to arrange every situation, I detail here and create an undulating picture out of it. I have had hard times dealing with family, relations, situations, friends and is still having now. Although on the outside I seem to be a very stubborn young lady yet on the inside I know how easy I am to melt. How soft I am to things. How fragile I am to me. And this behavior breaks me down every single time!!
From being a jolly child who loved to watch the sky, read new books (especially Ruskin Bond was my personal favourite) on a lazy summer afternoon, my life suddenly changed forever. Being pushed on the lines of cracking the most prestigious Joint entrance Examination (JEE) I began to lack my self confidence. From being a girl who knew to overcome every hurdles of life, I began fearing myself. What if I fall? The coaching institutes were happy teaching a ninth standard student, the syllabus of eleventh std. I couldn’t find it interesting any longer. In every exam I sat blank. To a little child unaware of what an atom was, they thought of teaching her the way atoms interacted and what moles were. Till my eight std I had achieved good ranks in state district as well as national level exams. But trouble started when things began slipping out of hand. My failures were compared to other’s victory but nobody understood why I couldn’t get though. My sudden poor marks were being discussed far and wide. I, myself started feeling so low that till now, and it has been four years and till now I couldn’t get back my confidence. I still fear my defeat. What if I fall? I would again be judged. I would again be mocked at. What affected me most was the behavior of my parents. In every word they ever said to me for the past four years had in it the same phrase again and again “What did you do in life?”. They have completely stopped believing that someday I would rise with flying colours.
I wanted to study english. I wanted to follow my passion. Is it my fault that I suffer for? Multiple times I have heard my parents say shit of me while they thought I was sleeping. Believe me or not, sometimes it feels it would have been better if I wasn’t alive anymore. I am tired of competition. I am tired of a race in every second, in every moment of my life. I cannot keep calm. I have grown a lot more aggressive day by day. Listening to every insults, I am unused to, for the past four years. Have started demeaning myself.
One day I couldn’t stand any longer. The burning volcano inside me finally did burst out. I started crying. I shouted with all my heart, with all the pain inside me. I tried to tell my parents how I felt. But they weren’t much curious to know. They said it was just because I wasn’t able to score well that I have started this new drama. From then I have tried many times to speak out. Never ever was anyone interested. Now I stay silent. I cry alone.
I do not know if I would crack JEE. Every year 10 lac people, loosing their childhood, hobbies, happiness, prepare for the exam but only 10 thousands are lucky enough to get a seat. The rest stays in endless sea of insults and as designated fools the rest of their lives.
Once I told my dad, why is that following passion is considered risky. He said, there are not many scopes in our country. I just smiled and thought,” People like you push us to fight in fields where we are totally unaware of . We fight with people much much talented people in a field where I do not have much talent in and you say it is dangerous to fight in fields where I have a talent in!” How amazing is that? You say to a fish, “Do not go into the water you might drown!!”