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Being an ASSHOLE

Dearest reader

Being back is really a mixed feeling though. While I really feel lucky enough to be empowered with the greatest gift to write down what I feel, it’s also a problem that I write mostly when i am sad enough to not to be expressed by emotions. When my tears mean nothing and the way I feel is just another nuisance for everybody, when my attempt to speak my likings and dislikes are a burden to the world and my heart’s heavy, knowing deep down I have no other way, nothing to do, nowhere to go, I come back to writing. So whenever I am writing, I am either at my low or I have nobody to barely understand or when I do not have anybody who would take things not as an attack to them rather thrive to solve them.
Well the thing is, being a single daughter, I hadn’t realized getting so much. My dad, the best man ever to exist, my parents did so much to me without even my noticing it that I find it difficult to survive after I started to face the world myself. The world isn’t as selfless as them. Even I sometimes feel being selfish and mean myself but when I try to unveil the truths I have been searching for, I dig out something darker than I ever imagined to be reaching. My dad had been always leaving his wishes to make mine come true and this had never strike my mind until I really saw how things were outside the warmth at home. If you have been my long time old reader, you would definitely know how much I am always in love with biryani and momos. I even had a blog written on them. They are probably the best food I would ever have. The thing is I don’t get to eat them anymore.
My boyfriend, and I swear he is a sweetheart. He does everything and anything that no other man would do and that’s where the problem lies. Whenever I tell him I got a problem with him he takes that as a personal attack and questions his love for me. If I think he does not care about me, if I think I do not feel loved, how can I come up with the complain when he already does so much. Well that makes me question myself too! Am I being ridiculous enough? Like I do not know if I should be having any problem.
I have a lot of money issues. I do not get much pocket money from home and staying in such an expensive city is hell. My boyfriend loves eating out and we gradually do stuffs that leads to me being broke. I literally am dying because of money matters. I really can’t fulfill my basic wishes at all and that makes me feel like shit. Little things I want or need, I can’t. I can’t buy snack for hungry nights cause I need to save every penny I can. And believe me Adam, none of it is for myself. I do it for us.
My love for biryani and momos has been forever. But my boyfriend says he likes none of them. I do not have much of an interest in the food he eats commonly like naan and chicken. But yeah I go to eat cause he likes it. I have been craving biryani for months now and everytime I tell him that we should definitely visit and have one he refuses saying, he does not wish so. I just want once he sits with me, tells me “yeah lets order one”…
Yeah I do not have that much money, I should not be wishing so much, I know, that makes me cry sometimes but I just want once to have it. He buys me food that he likes having which is obvious, what will he eat if he buys something that I like and he doesn’t, afterall it’s him who puts the order. I understand..
Today we were in a kind of a restaurant and order fried chicken. I saw a couple eating biryani together and as the smell touched my nose it felt like yeah fuck that’s what I want. I told him many times, let’s have one will split the bill. At the end he said…I don’t wish so. My face dropped cause I really was craving it. I didn’t show, he didn’t know. I said I was fine and acted so. Later I saw a message pop up on my phone about my dad taking a lone for my higher studies. At that point multiple thoughts raced my mind. I couldn’t help but broke down into tears. That man! Yeah that man did so much. Dad, I am sorry I did not understand then. But what did I do? I did nothing…nothing to make him happy and proud. The man who left all his joy, never spoke of his wishes, what did I do? Nothing. When we had family outings, he would always ask me what I wanted and order what I wanted although he hated eating that dish. He made me think the world is just like that. But the many times I ignored his “minimal” efforts, the many times I should have known I was being filled with love.
I am financially burdened every month. I find it hard to return my boyfriend’s money I had taken from him. He’s broke too and has been asking for it a long time now. I really really feel ashamed not being able to return. I will, tomorrow, no matter how much I am left with, I will. Today I addressed this eating problem with him that we only eat whatever he likes and never what I do cause he refuses. He said at the end that if our choices are different why don’t you pay for your own dish and order something….Well that was a little hit on spot but I know that was the better solution. I have to order what I like, what I wish for. It’s been long eating my favourite food. I am thinking of ordering it in a few days no matter what happens. I will. I know I will feel better definitely.
Well thinking of the fact that, I eat what he likes but never what I like is little too overwhelming. I do not want him to eat what he doesn’t but if I am saying that I want to have that dish once, for the past 5 months then atleast once he can sit and have a spoon or something. He used to love having momos. We almost used to have it daily but from I time he left, I did not have momos at all. One day I told him lets have it, he said he has left eating it. I felt a little bad though…

Guys do not misunderstand, he is the sweetest boy ever, do not judge him by just this blog. He literally does things no other man would and loves me more than anything. I am happy being with him but sometimes he just doesn’t understand or maybe I am being the bitch of the story. Can’t figure out! So am writing this here, to keep it safe to myself. To let my thoughts out, creating less misunderstandings. You know things are better when you get them off your heart. I do it here, feeling better now. I just sometimes feel I am the asshole, maybe yeah I am. He is not at fault you know, I am the asshole. Well that’s why writing it down here cause can’t figure out…

Published by skylinerise

In search of life...

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