Dead as Before

Hey everyone,
Its been a long time since I last wrote. I had my mid semester exams over today. I was thinking of getting a few things off my nerves lately but I did not get much of a time to do so. Its about my “perfect relationship”. Perfect? Yeah it is. But it’s more scary to be perfect as a little imperfection can boggle up the whole thing. I always feel like I am not good enough at handling relationship but I thought this one won’t justify the fact. But yeah, it is doing. I am so much indulged in this relationship that if I ever loose him, I gonna just never get back to loving. I know I just gonna give up on love and life forever. I love him so much….

I miss the sweet, soft spoken Adam he used to be, who would often play with my hair or keep staring at me without a reason and smile. Who would tell me that I looked beautiful and would keep me like a baby. Sometimes it makes me cry within to think of those times and how valuable they were. I love this man so much, I just can’t think of a day without him. I feel to die when he shouts on me and this thing has started not long enough for me to adapt. I can’t stand the fact that he shouts on me for no reason when I am placing my argument calmly. It just happened a few minutes ago and maybe that is the reason I am writing today. I cry, I cry a lot. I overthink, I imagine scenarios. I imagine a life with him, a family. And dream? Yeah, I have many and that has been the problem for everyone, just everyone. I am so attached to my dreams but I want them to be fulfilled so that I can make my family and “him” proud. I have imagined several scenarios in my mind where I would be performing on stage and the crowd would be vibing with me and in between them will be Adam, slowly smiling, mesmerized and proud to think that it’s his girl, yeah his…

I used to always think that my partner would be happy seeing me do what I want to do, seeing me happy, smiling and fulfilling our dreams with each other. We have different dreams but I won’t stop him from doing any of it for any reason rather support him and I want that from his side too. I sometimes can’t explain how I am feeling. As of now I feel to cry the shit out of me, louder and louder. I feel a pain in my chest and it’s heavy, it’s bursting. I just can’t explain how it feels but believe me it feels terrible!

I wish if only he could understand how much I love my passion and how much I have always and always desired of it and how much I want to fulfill all of it with him. I wish if only he could understand I want to make him proud, I want to see him proud. Why do you shout on me ? I just don’t like it…

Dear diary, I just want to cry so loud but I can’t….it’s just terrible within myself. I feel like a shit. I am shaking and probably having those anxiety come back again that I used to have back in 2020 (as my written records still show). Yeah, back then I used to feel my chest heavy and always crying. Why again? I don’t know if I am wrong and I should leave dreaming to keep everyone happy. But yeah I have dreams and following dreams isn’t being “selfish”! I feel a huge level of distance from the man I am in love with and that hurts the most. I do not speak much or maybe I can’t but I do feel we are too apart even while being just a few meters away. I really don’t wanna loose you not just because I will be left lonely but because I love you and I have dreams with you and I give my dreams a very high priority in my life.

my parents, my family, my life, nobody has ever allowed me to take up my passion. The desire I always had in my heart is that my partner will do, yeah he will support and one day I will make everyone proud. But what if he doesn’t? I am presently feeling shattered within. I am fussing all around, I can’t sit or stand calmly, I am feeling impatient and there’s a sudden terrible headache. God what did I do wrong? Why does everyone either put restrictions on me or abuses me or shouts on me. Throughout my whole life including my parents and relationships, I have never ever been successful anywhere. I need love…

My parents do not understand me…I always had Adam who did. Now I feel lonely. Who will I go to if even he misunderstands me…

What did just happen to me…I ain’t feeling well, just weird thoughts in my head, why is my chest so fucking heavy and I just wanna cry and cry loud….
I need love…
I need love…