I was just trying to calm myself for very long. I am just tired of life, tired of people it seems. As I am growing I feel that growing ache in my heart. All the society’s and parent’s expectations seem to burden up so much on me. My parents have already told so much cause I did not get admission in the college they wanted me to get in (and I genuinely had my reasons for the same). It’s been a year now and yet they won’t stop telling me shits. Everything has got toxic so weirdly. At the age of nineteen I am being told too much that I have been incapable to do anything in my life and that I was a useless brat. My mother feels ashamed to have borne me in her tummy and that I am the most horrible person she has ever seen. It’s a huge credit that they have taken care of me since childhood (and ofcourse mentally destroyed my patience every single day) and that they have been feeding me on their money since when I was born, so I have to slave around till I do not get some fucking money on my own. I am not allowed to “waste” money on things I like cause it’s not mine rather my dad’s. I am not allowed to visit friends and happily go to a stall and get some food cause it’s not mine but my dad’s money I am using. Mom says, I have no right to say anything cause it’s them feeding me and I won’t get any money when I go to college. She even tells me that I would not be able to get educated if they would stop spending their “money” in my studies and that they have “wasted” a lot of money from my childhood on my studies (they thought I would grow up to be a “good girl” having primitive ridiculous thoughts as them). Yet isn’t it funny that for the time I was in college they have taken away 78 thousand rupees I have been collecting since childhood from the money relatives used to give as a gift during pujas, ofcourse without asking me or telling me anything cause they thought it was “their” money and didn’t feel asking me was even a point!
Today I got my online classes from 9 am which I had forgotten to inform. As usual my dad came to wake me up at 7:30 when I told him I had my classes late. Just half an hour later when I was in extreme sleep, my mom came to ask me some unnecessary stuffs and she’s been standing and asking me the same thing over and over again. I was so irritated cause I knew her main aim was not to allow me to sleep. I told her to leave me alone which somehow infuriated her and she insulted me for another 10 minutes, making me remember my weakness and how much incapable I am in my life (at nineteen ofcourse) and that I was so useless they feel ashamed for me (I did nothing to make them feel useless). She also told me it was already 9 am when it was 8 am in reality! Later I had reset my alarm when my dad again came to wake me up and said too much after which my mom also joined it and insulted for another five rounds. I don’t wanna explain everything they said cause it’s the same shit stuffs everyday.
My only fault was that I had my classes from 9 am so I had thought of sleeping till 8:45 am. I am even not saying about this single incident. There are a bunch of them happening daily. Till you are giving them back with some bright marks and achievements that they can boast about to some random passerby (according to them “making their faces shine”, please stop shitting from your mouth every time, your face might automatically “shine”), they don’t take you as belonging to their kind. My parents, especially my mother is becoming toxic day by day and I guess toxicity is a communicable disease cause my dad too becoming the same. The environment at my home just doesn’t suit me and I am tired of facing insults every day. I hate to eat food from “their” money. I have stopped telling them if I wanted something, very small things even. I do not ask them to buy me sweets or a small candy or anything. I take whatever they give me and they even took away all my life’s savings, those 78 thousand rupees! And yet they tell me how much of their money I have been feeding on. Let me grow I won’t. But no, I should have been born made of gold so that they could have sold me for money.
This toxic environment kills me. I get dead inside. Even my cousins have said me, when they had visited me last year that I should be getting a Nobel for my extreme patience and tolerance. Well I agree. Not everyone is strong enough to withstand everything they have done or said me for the past nineteen years. I wanna start earning somehow or the other. I feel to just fucking get out of this place…