I guess I am a bit tired today. I was out with “Nancy” (ofcourse do not reveal the real name for privacy issues), and it was after almost four years we have been meeting again. She was my classmate for about six years but it was only during ninth grade I knew about her too well. When I was in the bottom of my depression phase at the end of class 10 and had literally not a single soul to pamper me, she was the one who gave me hope and maybe she’s one of the reason I was back to life. We used to live in consecutive colonies and would go out for a walk daily. Our mental frequencies matched too much and I was so surprised to know that it still does after four years. We weren’t in much contact after tenth and it was only after four years we met again, but that did not change a bit of our friendship. From going to eat burgers without telling our parents we have just upgraded to drinking without telling them (though I did not drink today but I have done before!). I never knew she drinks but yeah she does. We both have changed a lot in your lives. There once was a time when we used to suck at relationships and never believed anything as such was ever reliable and now both of us are happily committed.
We had a lot of talk today, and obviously discussed about our lives and bitched about our parents just like old times. I was so surprised our bonding yet was the same (even after no contact for years). I genuinely felt good!
A really poor thing happened as well. I feel to sink underground and never come back to earth. I feel there’s a sure fault in me. Ofcourse there is. It’s only me who’s overthinking about everything too much and I feel its me who messes up things too bad. Maybe I should be calm and never let my emotions take over me. Maybe I am expecting too much from life that I do not even deserve and it is the reason I ruin things every time.
I was at an underground bar today and fuck, there wasn’t a single stick visible on the network symbol on my phone. It’s been this way forever at that place I know. Neither you can call or receive a call nor you can text or anything. You just get complete cut off from the world! Maybe the place has been intentionally designed that way. Cut off from world, have a drink, get some life. But that’s not the case for everybody. My boyfriend had called me three times which I obviously did not get cause I had no network, he even had texted me which too did not get delivered. As soon as I got out of that fucking bar, I saw a throng of whatsapp messages indicating Adam wasn’t feeling well about it. I texted him at 7:30 then again at 8 and had called him at 8:06. His dad picked up and his dad is way too sweet. He gave the phone to Adam, I really hoped he would talk to me I would explain everything to him but to my utter surprise, he didn’t! I shouldn’t say this but I felt a little off that time. He said me he would be back by 8:30 and I thought I would tell him then but he got busy at work, a family dinner was a sudden plan. So he couldn’t be back.
I think it’s all my fault, thinking too much of every thing. Should I think less? What should I do? I really can’t understand. Should I suppress myself when I feel upset? Or should I express? I don’t know if I get upset about the right think. Maybe as a person I am too immature. Maybe I need to learn more. Maybe I need to be a little more patient and calm. Am I a bad person? I guess I should change myself for good. I know it’s all my fault. But what should I do when I get upset, when I feel hurt? I have a way to write things down and flush it. But will that flush out my problems? Will that save me from who I am today. Will that change the way I feel about things? I really do not know what to do….I am just too confused really. I better sink into the ground….