I do not understand why is everyone so fucking “cared” about me? I do not get the point. On the name of sympathy they would be putting their heads into everything and act as if such a poor little baby I am. I do not like this fact. I have been back home for about and month and half and everyone who visits our home has the same set of sympathy to give. I rather blame my parents for everything. Everyone who visits us, they have to tell them how big a failure I was during the two important years of my high school and they feel so much worried about me and that they have no more expectations left from me and that they know I won’t be able to grow much in life but that doesn’t bother them in anyway. Well fuck everyone, I am tired of life now! Listening to the same shits every fucking day! I give up! But for god’s sake do not give me your sympathy. Neither I want nor have I asked for any.
These age old parents have nothing to speak about except for marks, results, ranks and all the other weird shits of the world. I hate it so much. Fucking really! How can you talk about just and just the result whole day! Boring peeps. Whenever somebody visits my house, I am made inferior infront of them. I get compared, my entire life gets discussed, and mocked and above all the fake assurance of sympathy! I do not want this. I love my life, I love where I am, I love whatever I am doing. I do not need sympathy! I do not either need ten people discussing my life. People come to my house to boast of their children’s marksheet and how poor I have been in high school. My parents add extra spices to it and makes it a perfect gossip combo. While I sit back in my room, silently listening to them, getting hurt. While my heart tries to burst open, I try to reconcile myself. I have tried a lot to make my parents understand me, they do not seem to go along with my ideas. I feel bad, I feel hurt. I need somebody to feel proud of me. Nobody does. I want somebody to say that whatever she has done, has done the best of her. And I believe in her, she’s gonna be a “queen” someday.
All they ever speak is that, how badly she had destroyed herself in her past, how fallen she is, how poor little shit she is and we do not keep expectations from her cause we have had enough of breaking them, even if she gets a small job after her college, we will be grateful, wo do not think much of her future, cause we do not see any light in it, is whatever they ever speak!
I am a lady of self confidence. I believe in myself, I know my story, I know my struggle. I love myself, I stand up for myself. Though most people do not like the idea of being this steady even when I have “failed in life” (at the age of 19), I know what I went through during those tough years of my life. I do not need to justify or explain myself. not everyone deserves to know my story. I know things are gonna get better with time. As much I try to get myself out of this horrible trauma, they try to pull me down into it again and again. If I have “failed in life”, my parents have failed in “understanding”. They never did try to understand me, listen to me, love me, and support me. They never wanted to know if I was mentally well, if I was feeling good, if I wanted a little support. All they ever cared about why my marksheets weren’t satisfying them. I had no answer….
I had cried, screamed for days and days, tried to explain my story. But nobody seemed to take enough interest to listen. So I stopped. I stopped forever. I consoled myself, locked myself up. Now when they try to give me fake sympathies and gossip to the visitors how badly I have failed in life and that every other child is far better than me, I stay silent. I could have also spoke about how badly they have failed as a parent and that every other parent has been way better than them. But how can I do so? Hurting a child and putting her into trauma is well accepted, parents can rightfully do so. But if you make a word against them it’s the greatest crime ever….
I keep silence…