A Perfect Failure

Where have I ever been successful in life? Neither in career nor in love…Though I am only nineteen but am expected to make every living being on this planet proud, keeping aside my own story, my expectations, my wishes. Just because I have been a good student all my life, it was my parents who had decided that I would be sitting for the second most difficult exam in all of Asia and get into the most prestigious colleges of my country. Well that phase of my life wasn’t soothing. I was frustrated, depressed, broken. When I look back, I would love to completely delete that phase from my life. When I was in that situation, nobody came to ask me how was I or what was I going through. The only thing they ever asked me was why I did not match their expectations, why was my percentile 91.16 rather than being 99? They never knew how broken and shattered I was. They never came to ask me if I was okay, if I needed a little peace, if I was tired of playing the same game over and over again, if I was tired of life. For everyone, the only reason of my failure was that I have become a dumb head, useless girl. All of them led to nothing much but several times hurting myself and a few suicide attempts. But all they cared about was the markings on my marksheet. I was left alone, everyone was busy in their lives. But that’s okay, I had left all hopes forever. I felt no love, no pain. I had become quite numb.

After an entire struggle of two and a half years, I decided to start everything all over again. I decided to build a new life. I decided to love myself. I got admission in a college but not the ones my family and society expected from me. So basically this made everyone think that I was a waste of money and my upbringing was not right. I do not deny. A girl who protests for wrong, stands for herself and loves herself is obviously the worst examples of upbringings in history (atleast the society thinks so). While I got into this new college, I decided to start everything from the scratch and obviously ultimately did so. Due to the increasing covid situations we had our classes online for a period (and obviously online is ridiculous). I met the most perfect man who made me believe that life wasn’t that tough actually. It is beautiful rather. Our classes were made offline for a semester and those four months were the most amazingly beautiful time of my life, ofcourse because of him. He made me believe in love, in life. After the semester I returned home and again we are online because of covid. When I returned back home, I was just pushed from my life of dreams to the old trauma period. People and parents continuously discussing how failure I have been (yeah they have judged my entire life just at the age of nineteen, I admire them!). Moreover, long distance sucks too. Misunderstandings, loneliness, hurtings, things we never had before, hit us both hard. I believe I have failed in love too. He is the most dearest person I have ever met and I still make complains, still make him upset. Things aren’t just right in a long distance relationship. I feel like it’s changing daily. We have build us up one by one with lots of love and care, will everything just fall like this because of this distance? I can’t believe so!

He’s becoming impatient and me too. I can see a lot of change in us and that’s what hurts me the most. The continuous insults from parents and neighbors as well as the way my relationship is changing daily makes me feel that I am a perfect failure, in life as well as in love. I can’t loose him. He’s the man I fear to loose the most. I want him to be there with me. I want a future with him. I have made dreams with him. I do not wanna be a failure anymore, I wanna fight all odds. I just wonder if everyone’s right about me or am I?

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