Sometimes I feel mothers aren’t as good as they are written down on the pages of novelists and poets. Sometimes they can be the victims of some typical mental illness which can lead to the death of the whole family or sometimes they can be as cruel as nobody on earth. Mostly middle class family mothers are the best examples of such horrible experiences. Mine too isn’t an exception. From my very childhood, she has been extremely possessive about me. I do not blame her. Nobody likes the only girl of a middle class family, mostly when she’s the “queen”, self-oriented, protesting, aggressive, “rude”, and many more adjectives defining me.
It all started when I was a child. she used to think all my friends are a bullshit and she would be the savior of my life, saving me from all my “sins” and wrong roads. Her strictness and the always-detective moves led me to hide every little thing from my family, be it going out with friends or having a boyfriend. I even used to hide that my likes and dislikes and always tried to act as a “good girl”. I used to stay calm, register myself in a corner of my room, talk just as much as required and never ever shared a thing with them (I am still the same with my parents). She still today thinks that she’s always been the savior of my life and it was because of me that I am where I am today. Little does she know that every time she interfered, my life went downhill and I was left with nothing. It was that brave little girl who learnt to grow up herself and made her into what she is today.
When I fell in love for the first time, my mom was one of the reasons behind my breakup. She made me feel like a crap, as if I had committed a horrific crime. I cried day and night. My parents stopped talking to me. I was just fourteen then. I used to die with the setting sun everyday. I had no phone, to shoo away my depression I left studying and started watching TV. Sometimes the same shows repeatedly. I felt like I was joking to myself, disguising myself to me. I tried committing suicide at the age of fourteen, not because of breakup (not at all!) but because of “HER”, my mother, who had mentally murdered me by then. The railway tracks were not far from my home, I used to stand close to the tracks and see the sun set over the horizon, the cool breeze soothing my heavily burdened soul. I had my boards that year and hadn’t studied for nothing. Only a month left! My biggest come back to my life was when I topped the exam. The smile and pride on my mom’s face made me thought as if I was in heaven. I cried ferociously, when the results were out. Half in pain and half in happiness….
By then my parents have thought I was a genius. They travelled to another city for my studies. Towards the end of eleven, I fell for the very wrong guy. He abused me day and night. I spent a year and a half of my life with that bastard in the hope that he might change soon. Silly me never knew that, habit’s hard to go. I destroyed my entire highschool. My mom interfered in and made everything go extra wrong. My life was almost a hell with nobody to even talk to. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends, nor follow any of my hobbies (they were my life), nor have any social media. The continuous atrocities from my boyfriend (ex) and my parents while fighting with my own thoughts and emotions made me hopeless of life. After highschool I was to sit for the second toughest exam in all of the continent. When the high hopes of my parents fell to the ground, they almost disowned me. They never knew what was going on in my life, I could not say them, I tried many times, they refused to understand! I remember that being the worst phase of my life…..The continuous abuse from my boyfriend and the continuous insults from parents made me get into depression and anxiety. I had no friends to even share anything, nobody! I gave up on life. At the age of seventeen again I have tried of several suicide attempts.I never thought I would be able to feel life again.
I couldn’t crack the exam. I thought there was nothing left in my life, in my dreams (as my parents made me think). My mom used to insult me, compare me with her friend’s sons and daughters (she still does). I got admitted into a college, giving up all hopes on life, never knowing that I will find life here. When I gave up on all love and affection ever existing in this world, I found “HIM”. Adam, the person who gifted me a knew life, just held my hand and showed me what love was. I have searched for love enough but never found one. He is the one. We continued into a long distance for some months before the college reopened after lockdown. The four months of my college life was the best ever. It was a dream. Everyone else left my side when they had their works done, but not him. It is because of him I found hope, elegance and energy in my life. The life I was never allowed to live, the happiness I was prohibited from, the love I have always searched for, he gave me all, took care of me, listened to me, understood me.
Now again I am back home for the term break and covid has built up again. My mom still torturing me like nothing. She insults me for no reason, for nothing! And Adam still listens to all my griefs and sorrows patiently even when we are distances apart now. I miss him so much. I feel lonely here, my parents do not try to listen to me or understand me and so I have been hiding every little things from them since my childhood. Not daring to tell them, feeling scared out of my shits for every little thing….
Maybe their definition of a “good girl” and my definition do not go along. Well I do not care anymore. I would love to be a badass bitch forever….