A Bad Bitch

It’s raining outside. The sky seems gloomier than ever. I am back home after four months of college and everything seems to just fade in front of my eyes. I feel lonelier than ever, just as I used to feel back then, a few four months back. Those four months of my college life seemed like living a dream. Going out, giggling, smiling, with that one man I have loved ever in my life. And now back home, it’s just again my window, a rainy sky, slow soft breeze and me, waiting for the rain to wipe out my tears. Social media’s a bitch. I see everyone heading back home, meeting old friends, happier than ever. And here I stand, with nobody even knowing or bothering that I am back. Why? Maybe cause I have nobody. I couldn’t make friends, couldn’t keep company. Is that all my fault? Everything? My mind wonders. All I have left is that one window which looks into the seemingly endless sky drenched with big black clouds which seem to reach upto the heavens! Maybe I wanna go there someday, that’s all I look for….

I am tired, tired of acting to be perfect. Perfect as a daughter, a sister, a girl and many more. I am tired of meeting everyone’s expectations, keeping everyone happy and when I realize it’s now my turn to keep myself happy, they say, if I do not care for them they would disown me! Is that all I am made for? To look after everyone except me? To keep them happy? To fulfill my duties that mostly comprises of expectations…..

My mom said today that I should abide by their wishes till I am eating on their money! Well I am still a teenager, too young to earn myself. I too have some wishes, I too wanna grow. Till today I have always been fulfilling everyone’s wishes, being the good girl they have always wanted me to. Hiding the bad bitch within me, suppressing my thoughts, feelings, wanting. I have cried, shouted, slapped myself. Yet where did I get the peace?

Everyone’s busy in their own lives. I should understand. Nobody is as fucked up as me. Everyone’s got friends and a family. They do not spend the whole day looking at some clouds or windows. They have tasks to complete, roles to fulfill. If I am sad or depressed nobody’s responsible for that, to make me feel complete. I cannot ask anything more than I get. I need to stay calm. This is getting so difficult god ! Save me ! The multiple thoughts in my mind shatters me, outrages me, brings the beast in me that I have been hiding so long…..