Is That Too Much To Ask For

And sometimes I still feel lonely. Though my life has changed so drastically. Those who have been connected to me for long know most of the pains and grimes I have been sharing online. The main purpose to keep my identity unknown is to let the real myself out without the fear of judgements. I sometimes love to just love myself, just look into myself, be happy about myself.

Even though I am happier than ever with “the person” I am with. I am smiling, making what is called “memories”, feeling loved. Everything’s going fine, I know. But I really wonder if my nights are yet cheerful or dull just as they were a year ago. I was then lonely, am I still now? I still cry alone at 4 am. I still drown in my pool of thoughts alone. I still have nobody to accompany me in the middle of a dark dense night like this. Is it me at fault cause I begin to see too much in a person? Is it my fault when I keep expectations? Is it my fault when I get hurt, not because the other person wants to hurt me but because I get hurt? I sometimes think it’s all my fault, it’s all my miseries. Nobody needs to suffer for this, so I try to hide them down into the pitch dark dungeon of my heart. Is it too tough to understand that my heart’s too easy to be broken. Yet I know whatever he does for me is more than I can ever deserve. Then why do I keep wanting more? I know he can’t give all his time to me. He has a separate life, a life that does not include me. Is it too much to expect that we could have a shared life?

Far away from my home, I miss that feeling of familiarity. My parents do not provide me pocket money monthly and everytime I ask for it they question me back as to where am I spending all my money. I don’t really know. I do not go around doing much stuffs and yet at the end of the day I find myself broken.

Just a few more days to go for my nineteenth birthday and I am especially always very excited for my birthdays. I just don’t know, it just feels special, it just feels good! I always wish to make my day the best day of the year. Being the only child of my parents they used to fulfill most of my wishes and so every year on my birthday my mom used to gift me earrings and dad, a dress! I guess things change when you grow up! You remain no more special to the world. Nobody cares to make you feel special for even one single day.

From the very beginning of the month I have tried my level best to save my pocket money for a dress I wanted for my birthday this year. I had planned the entire outfit and all other odds. But I had a phone call from my dad asking where am I spending all my money. I do not have much left in my account so I had to finally give up my idea of a dress. I have finally decided to wear anything that my small wardrobe has. I didn’t bring much of my dresses here but I have no other choices. I think I will have to spend my “special day” as a really ordinary one. My friends got no plans for me I know. I really wish I could just do something for myself. To keep myself happy. Oh! I so badly wish an angel would have gifted me the dress I really wish for. But that’s all right. I am not such special anyways.

One day I wish to grow up so high that I do not have to compromise with my feelings. Even if nobody does, I want to have so much power in me that I can do for myself. This is the very first birthday after two and a half years of complete lockdown. I just wanted to make myself feel a little special, look at myself and be a little happy! While all my friends buying new dresses everyday and flexing infront of me, I do stare at them. No! I do not wanna flex, I just want to see myself in the mirror and just be happy about myself . Is that too much to ask for?