What Are We Actually Searching For?

What do I actually want from life? Do I really know it? I want to live, I want to be dead. I want to be loved, I want to be hated. I want somebody to love me yet I ain’t yet ready for a relationship! I feel jealous, yet I don’t wish to be possessive. I feel depressed, yet I wish to dance. Why am I mixing up all my emotions? Sometimes I feel how good it would have been if I knew what’s going on inside someone’s head. Ofcourse I am not ready to let anybody know what’s within my head but I would not deny sneaking into other’s thoughts.

What’s my crush thinking of me? What do my friends bitch of me? What’s friends are planning for my birthday? What’s Santa gonna bring me this year? How wonderful it would have been to know these things just by reading mind.

Reading other’s thoughts is a different thing but I can’t sort out myself for the moment. It all feels like a mess to me. New love, new college, new studies, new people. Everything’s so much changed. I am changed, growing. A new phase of life must bring happiness as well but I fear it didn’t. I could have sorted a few things if it wasn’t for this pandemic. I have not yet seen my college campus nor my friends. All reside in some distant online territory.

Basically what I want from life isn’t really clear to me. Priorities, liking, choices everything changes over time…right? Even I myself change over time. I am so afraid to jump right into the situation following the whims of my heart. What I want now, I want for life. Not just for the pleasure of a few moments will I slay my entire one and a half years now. I have learned to judge moments and look all through it’s entire consequences before I finally decide for myself…..

Yeah, I really don’t know what I truly want from life….

Published by skylinerise

In search of life...

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