Should I Be A Narrator Forever?

Yeah, I again messed up. Messed up every of my emotion, feeling. Thinking too much of consequences leads to nowhere. Even not thinking and jumping over isn’t too good. But sometimes, there isn’t enough time to stand and wait to feel it to be finally “right”. Wish he could understand my trauma and wait for me a little more. I am not yet recovered from the wound of my past. How can I take a huge leap this way, right now? Maybe this way I will loose what I was meant to have. I will finally let it go. But if that was doomed to happen, could I ever stop it?

I feel, if things are bound to happen, they will happen anyway. Feels like things are falling off my hands lately. We are just prisoners of our own emotions. A tiny mistake can lead to life long imprisonment. I have started fearing the nights, the darkness, the loneliness. I have turned cold. It wasn’t this way before. Why is it now? I can’t understand at all. At times I feel I should leave everything and just stay faded forever. Maybe colours aren’t meant to be mine. But the urge to grab those colours to beautify my soul makes me adamant to achieve it again. Is it all about him? Maybe yes, maybe no! If yes, do I like every colour in him? Mostly I like except a few or maybe just one. But that doesn’t stain the other shades I have seen in him. It’s just me hurting myself daily. It’s get lonelier day by day. Again everything is just as monotonous as before.

I am cold, if only he could know. I am cold! I have truly never been in this situation before. Maybe back then I was immature enough to understand these but now I do it clearly. The multiple thoughts circling in my entire head is just so bizarre. I have contracted my would into my ownself. I can’t decide what I want for myself right now? It’s just I always wish to talk to him, be with him….Don’t know what you call it? Just a friendship?

Should I forever stay as a narrator in my life?