And I see myself falling again. Falling for what I decided I would never be! Love! I hate love, I fear love. It has never been too kind to me and I am forced to believe that there’s too much pain to bear. The word “Love” is too short to describe it’s immense vastness. It’s so vast that it may sometimes create emptiness in your life. It may deceive you, curse you, destroy you or it may give you a new life. Like all other people, most exquisitely, teenagers, I too crush, I too feel, I too break. Some “crush” retires in the form of infatuation while others stay there forever. Thinking of “that” person gives me peace but the sudden realization that I can’t have him or that, I may loose him someday shatters my soul. It is painful. Love is painful.
When I crushed for “the” person, I thought it would fade soon as usual. But it’s been so many days, even weeks, even months, and still I die to hear from him, still I aspire to spend a little time with him and still I wish to continue talking even when I have nothing left to say! What would you call it? A love? Maybe…or maybe not! I still fear it would fade someday. I do not wish to break somebody’s heart to satisfy mine! Ofcourse not! Well, saying that, I do not even know what’s in his heart! Does he even feel that way? Or it is him just being kind enough to a poor little girl. Whatever it may be, I like him when he cares, when he listens, when he misses. But is that all I want? Do I know him enough?
The real problem with us lies somewhere within us, I feel. Do we really know what we want? Or are we simply swayed by the waves of life? I know it isn’t hard enough for me to control myself but sometimes it feels good to flow uncontrolled. Sometimes it feels right to imagine something impossible and that’s not wrong till it keeps giving you pleasure….right? It burns me to imagine one day I would find out there was nothing between us and all was just a piece of imagination jotted down into the pages of a blog. I wholly feel that love has it’s two sides. One, where we find rapture and glee and the other, that burns our souls into pieces! And the two must go hand in hand, complimenting each other.
I can’t keep falling for him. I need to stop. Right there, right now! Though somewhere deep down it gives me peace, my mind shows me blaze through all of this. I never felt this before maybe. It’s an intense force grabbing me day by day. I can’t resist but I have to. I need to go away. I need to hide myself.
Do I believe in “love”?
Yes, I do.
Do I believe I shall find “love”?