Yeah! People say, I left him. People say I am a playgirl. His friends know me to be a traitor. But nobody knows the real story. Never did they bother to ask, “Why I left?”. Did I ever really wanna leave him? Well I know, he has his part of the story to justify his innocence but I have mine too! As for me, I couldn’t ever say my part while he blew too much on his. Why I couldn’t say? Cause it was so mean, nobody would believe that a human being can do these things to a person he/she loves. So I have finally decided to spit it out here, for sure I won’t be able to note down everything but I will try my best to pour my heart out.
For 1.5 years I have had nothing but complete torture! Regular abuse without a reason, being blocked from time to time, being scared and terrified in every of my action, were not the only reasons I finally gave up! When I look back, I find no sweet memories to cry upon but just all the torture I felt daily. Everyday I hoped for a better tomorrow with him. Everyday I would shrink back into myself with the hope that he might get better with time. But no!! Nothing happened. I ain’t boasting, but I used to be the hottest girl of my class and my roll number was especially known to everyone for that reason. I was the dream of every boy’s night. While I was with him, I felt he needed nothing except my looks. And yeah! He agreed upon that too! While he came into a relationship with me it was not because it was ME but because it were my god damn looks on which everyone was dying upon! That’s what you call “illusion”. People often mistaken it with “love” and that’s when the disaster occurs! Same happened with me.
Well, the boy with whom I was, had no looks to die upon, so I fell in love with HIM and not in any way with his looks or body or any external matters. For both of us, the reason to be in love was different which ultimately led to treating each other differently. Slowly with time, the “illusion” in which he was floating soon disappeared and he started hating everything I did. While I blindly began to trust him and do whatever he wished me to. When he secured less marks in exams than me, he would block me for infinite days without a notice. I would cry and torment myself days after days. Suddenly one random day he would text me some short sorry message which would immediately melt my heart and I would get back to slave under him again. While he would have a fight with someone else, I would be the one on whom he would pour out his anger. He would continuously abuse me the whole day without a reason while I would be silently taking in all of it, thinking he might be upset and I am the only way he could probably heal.
At times, when his parents would scold him, it would be me who would be ignored and blocked days after days without a reason. While in front of his friends, I would be mocked at and be declared a complete fool. He never liked the community in which I belong and would accuse me to be cruel and selfish and a motherfucker just because he didn’t like the society from where I am! He would not leave abusing my parents, but I was too scared to speak out a word. The fear, that he might leave one day! I do not know why, but I was scared to speak. He left me more than five times in this 1.5 years, threatening that he could better stay without me. It was me who would everytime apologize without a fault and it was me again who would be abused! It would take hours for him to reply to my texts! I waited, I cried, I worried. One reply took not less than four hours everytime. Even though he would be fully online, but still won’t even dream of replying. All these things and the multiple slangs he used to give me was enough for me to carry. I slowly began to feel like a crap, as if I had no value in this world. You won’t believe, but even after all these tremendous abuse and torture, I didn’t ever speak a bad word from my mouth to him! Not even once!
The last time he abused me and my parents, it was enough for me. I couldn’t take these things anymore! It was clear to me, he won’t change, he ain’t a human. How can somebody be so cruel to anyone they claim to “love”? He always said that he was “matured” enough than me while I was some “immature crap” so I should always do as he says. No, my opinion never mattered. I can clearly see the fucking “maturity” he had in himself!
Yeah!! I gave up! In his words, “I left”. Sorry, but in all those years I had already crashed my “self-respect” under my own feet, I don’t want to do that anymore. Call me a playgirl, call me a traitor! I know what I faced. There are certain things which are so ruthless, that i can’t even note them down here! I never disrespected him. Even when I knew I was never gonna be back, I was talking politely to him. I was his support in every tough time he had, I was there when ever he needed me, I was there to silently take in all his abuse, I was there to cry and wait for him to return, I was there when he had nobody. What did I want in return? A little bit of love and care….But alas he could never understand! I hope some other girl would be stronger than me to spend a lifetime with him. I used all my strength and destroyed myself completely yet couldn’t be “as he wanted”. He forever said, I am a silly goose. When I think back now I feel, if I wasn’t “silly” wouldn’t I have left long ago?