I Don’t Want To Live Like A Dead

Too many insecurities in my life!! I am currently so unarranged, broken, confused, unorganized in my life that I do not know what to do. People, even my parents, have everyday accused me so much, let me down so bad, that I have lost every confidence in myself. I have lost trust, love, believe in myself. I have started accepting myself as a mere “looser”, One who never knows to grow, stand up, walk, fall, One who never had confidence and self respect. I try to be happy, grab every moment to the fullest, but somewhere something feels missing. In every step, I start questioning myself again and again. I have started fearing more, all things seem to fall apart again. The strong, sturdy, courageous girl in me seems to have lost somewhere.

My parents are so used to looking at my gloomy, dark face that they can’t at all digest my smile. I ain’t allowed to talk to friends. My mom loves it when I am alone, lonely. She wants me like that the whole time. Yesterday I was in a zoom call with my friends. We talked for a while, played games, laughed, giggled…..the things I ain’t allowed to. She stood by the door hearing what I was talking. I had to put down the call and then she started disrespecting me in every way she could. Nobody likes me to be happy with friends. I am not allowed to make FRIENDS. I have no mood to explain what happened last night but I just want to say, LET ME LIVE. GET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE. I don’t feel good at all.

Because of my parent’s questions on me, I have started feeling so meagre. I always knew myself to be a person who could do anything and everything. I had the utmost confidence in myself but now it’s all gone! I have started fearing a lot, what will happen if I don’t get good grades? I will be thrashed, hurt, abused again! I will again be declared a complete fool, incapable of doing any shit at all…..

I don’t want this. I want to feel free, a little less pressurized, a little happy. I want to smile a little more, fear a little less. I want to cry. I wish I can have somebody to hug and find an escape from this terrible life. I wish to lay my head on someone’s shoulder and watch the sky silently. I want to LIVE, Live like a person, not like a dead….