Is it always important to fight for survival? Is it always important for us to think what others think of us? Is it always necessary to satisfy others with our status? Is is always important to keep fighting until you are finally dead? Can’t we take a pause and look at life the simpler way? Is staying happy in whatever you have wrong? Pausing to think about just the present and forgetting the fears of the future and the griefs of the past isn’t a crime…right? I wish somebody would have understood my heart!
I am constantly grieved by the daily tensions between me and my parents. I have been a good student all my life, that’s what makes me repent now. Hadn’t I been so, I would have been better now! My parents have always seen me tensed, depressed, pressurized, unhappy, crying, yelling, banging my head against the wall, lonely as fuck. And believe me, I ain’t exaggerating an inch of it, they are so habituated to see me that way that it gives them chills across their spins to see me happy. They can’t withstand the change and feels I am going out of hand. For the past four years of my life I have lived the darkest of times. I forgot to smile, I forgot to feel. And now my life has changed. I am back to my town, starting to live my life again. With friends and people, I am beginning to smile, to rise. When literally my soul spoke to me, it said, “I am Happy!” I felt life has come back to me. I can breathe a little more, I can giggle a little better. But this attitude is wholly different to what my parents have known so far. How come their serious, pressurized child change so much? That’s not normal!!
A few minutes ago my mom came to me. I was talking to my cousin and I was really happy this evening! My cousin brother is off to Switzerland (which is one of my dream destinations). I felt so good talking to them. My father wasn’t happy. I ain’t allowed to talk so much so I had to keep the phone. My mom came in to have a word with me. I exclaimed, “Mom. brother is off to Switzerland!!” She acted she was happy but she wasn’t cause she had some SERIOUS issues to talk about. She asked me to stop everything that was making me happy and told me to sit for the entrance examination once again and start preparing for that. I am already admitted in a college but she wants to let me go through the same pain again which continuously tortured me for the past four years. This entrance has already led many students to commit suicide for years. I was once on the verge of it but somewhere I knew my life was important. I went through all pain that shattered me years after years and just when I felt it’s over and have started reviving my life, my parents want me to go through that again.
I know I couldn’t crack the 2nd level of the examination…..well just 4k out of 1M students in India do! But every of the 1M students go through the same torture and pressure for years and years. I too did. She said I should go through it once again otherwise one day I would repent seeing my friends go way ahead of me. Well none of my friends did crack the exam and I do not care if somebody goes ahead of me or falls behind me. Life is not all about a useless race! If I spend all my life thinking who got more promoted than me and who did earn more than me, I would be nothing but a emotionless robot! Does it really matter when you aren’t happy? Is it very necessary to take part in this furious game of “who goes higher”? Will that make me happy? I wonder….
People are not habituated with my smile, so they wanna push me back again. But I was this same all my life, I just did kept ignoring what I really wanted to answer what others wanted of me. But for how long will I go like that?