I Am Scared Of Love

An endless sea that has no shore. I have drowned in it long ago. I remember finding a boat once. The sailor said, “Trust me I will take you home”. As a happy child I thanked God, “This sailor has saved my life”. He rowed for long enough, made my trust stronger. “Yeah! He is a savior, he will sail me home”, I felt deep. When suddenly he dropped me in the middle of the ocean to drown again and went away in search of his next passenger.

I struggled to breathe. A constant race between my heart and mind. Should I cry thinking of how the sailor left me to die or should I cry that I might live no more! Somehow I thrived to survive. Spotted a boat distant away. Thought he would save me, take me home! I was still immature enough to know how distant objects can be delusions! I waved and shouted, “Hey! Pick me up!”. The sailor said, “I will! Just wait there, I am coming!!”. I waited, felt as if he is my savior. Time passed, I waited. Little did I notice the sailor was driving his boat not towards me but away. With utter faith to be saved this time, I waited, blind! Couldn’t see how he sailed away and vanished somewhere in the horizon. It took me long to open my eyes and finally look into the reality. He was gone! Gone forever!

I was broken. I left all hope of ending alive. I knew I was going to die. Cut off from every person I knew, my friends, my family, my life. I was lonely. All alone, finding a sailor who would take me home. When on the verge of death and finally loosing myself, I decided to put my last shot! I could barely breathe yet struggled to survive and finally found an island. I simply thrashed on it’s shore somehow. More than overjoyed, I couldn’t believe I did this! I spent some most memorable days of my life on this vacant island until it was finally time to bid goodbye! I saw a boat banked on the shore. I asked the sailor, “Will you take me home?”. He replied sweetly, “yes maam!”. The boat with me and the sailor sailed off towards the endless ocean. Little did I know, it would turn to be the worst decision ever. In the initial days of journey, he was as sweet as honey. But as days grew by, he threatened to throw me back into the ocean again. He made me do whatever he liked, he made me feel whatever he wanted. Tortured me, abused me, made me feel like a crap.

I had to stay silent. For if I dared speak, he would throw me off! Years passed. I suffered, kept suffering until a time finally arrived when it seemed to me that drowning and dying would be much peaceful than dying of torture. I jumped off.

After all of this, I have started fearing LOVE. People who can relate the sailor story will obviously understand my fears. I can’t trust anybody no more. The endless ocean has embraced me more than any of those sailors. I am happy with the ocean. It doesn’t matter howsoever it gives me trouble but everytime it has saved me someway. It did not let me die unlike the sailors who pushed me off after fulfilling their pleasures!

Yes, the OCEAN is my LIFE. The SAILORS are my past LOVE. They haunt me till today!