He Knows Not How Big A Player I Am

I was completely cut off from writing for about a month cause I was busy with my studies. So much has happened since then. I had no plans to write even today but it was too much for me to keep all of it stored in my heart. I do not know where to start with. I am literally messed up. I am writing this blog just to get things down my heart. Later I might be posting blogs detailing the incidents.

To begin with, Soyan has returned. Those who have been following me for a long time knows about Soyan. He was my childhood friend and my first love. We were together for about nine years and then everything faded away! It had been almost 5 years without any contact between us. I knew not where he was or what he was doing and I cared the least to know about him after what he did to me. He cheated on me, my love, my trust, my friendship, my nine years and went away with another girl. I always thought he remembers me no more until a Monday evening at around 8 p.m. A call from an unknown number. I generally avoid picking up unknown calls but I do not know what happened, I picked it up and a male voice spoke. I couldn’t recognize it after all these years, but as the voice on the other side introduced himself, I turned cold. I couldn’t believe! I thought it might be some other guy with the same name but maybe somewhere deep within I wished the voice to be his, of the Soyan I lost long ago. “Do you remember me?”, spoke the other side. I was fumbling. He again spoke out, “Soyan, the one you knew long ago”. I didn’t know how to react. I never imagined even in my wildest dreams that he would call me back after 5 long years! My parents were at home so I couldn’t speak much on the phone and promised to text him soon. We chatted for a while. It was the first time we were talking online. While we were together, we were kids and could barely have a social media account to chat.

I asked him many questions that were left unanswered for all these years. It wasn’t clear to me as to why he left. He agreed upon being with another girl. He wanted to meet me and I said I will, once I go back after my exams. He asked, why I did not contact him in any way for so long. My answer was very clear. It wasn’t me who left, it was him. In no way could he expect me to contact him back. I asked him back the same question. He couldn’t answer! For about two days, he used to wait for my text all the time. It was okay that he reconnected but the one thing that troubled me was, why is it after so many years that he finally thinks back of me? What does he want from me? I couldn’t trust him in any way after what he did back then. I just can’t. He said he wanted me back in his life and that he knows now that there can’t be anybody who would love him like I did. I did not know how to react. I would never think of going back to him. I have had enough before.

After about two days he began ghosting me. It was a too short time to be bored of somebody but I knew what kind of a person he was. Slowly I got to know more of his present. He had been in multiple relationships after he cheated on me. He was with a junior eight months back (or atleast he says so). Later I came to know he is still with a girl who knows nothing of him proposing me. I don’t know what’s the truth. I don’t believe a single word of him! He is such a jerk, I know.

I have guessed a little of why he reconnected. He has a habit of finding new “chicks” every time he gets bored with one and after so many freaking years he is back to make a fool out of me again. But he knows not I have learned many lessons in my past. I fear relationships. I am a committed person. Once I fall for someone, it’s hard to let go. It breaks every inch of me when things doesn’t work out and I get fucked up with my life. It ruins me the most!

Soyan is back again to play a game with me. Today he forced me to call him, telling he had something important to speak. I made the call knowing he had nothing to say and yeah that was the fact. He wants to play with me thinking I am the same silly girl whom he cheated 5 years back. The memory of the trauma still fresh in my mind. He knows not how big a player I am! I will do as he says. I will act silly until he finally gets a “CHECKMATE”!

Published by skylinerise

In search of life...

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