Mentally Murdered Me

At last I could be a little relaxed. Got another exam after 14 days but that doesn’t make anything easy. Carrying the burden of multiple expectations, nothing remains easy. I have been a good student all my life but that was when I was in junior classes or maybe till 10th standard. I topped in 10th so gradually expectations were fiercely high on me. I started with a great zeal, taking up science, but within a few days could sense the severity of it. As I have already mentioned in my blogs that I tried day and night but couldn’t meet expectations. I still am trying hard on it. I ain’t a bad student still now but there’s others who are better than me, and that’s where it all ends! After every exam I feel myself to be so useless. Today was a terrific day, I would love to explain.

I am currently competition for one of the toughest exams in my country and one of the toughest exams in the world, Joint Entrance Examination. Every year, around 10 to 11 lac horses run the race (I am one of them). But only around 10k are recognized (I hope they belong to a good breed)! We prepare for this exam for four years and everyone does but just a few horses get the fruit of their terrific hardwork. The ratio is simply 1/100. What about the rest? Did the rest not ruin their childhood? Did the rest not let go of their movies or hanging out with friends to sit down at a corner, staring at open books while thinking of a day when they would finally feel happy again? Did they not break their legs while running the race? They did. But that isn’t ever valued anyway.

In our society, we have a tremendous disability to just look at a marksheet and judge a person. We care the least of hardwork. Average result equals uselessness and a shining marksheet equals heavenliness. Ofcourse a shining marksheet requires a lot of hardwork but who said a bad result doesn’t ? Who said that a person, who could not do well in his exams, didn’t work hard? Who said that innocent child deserves no respect?

I was too prepared today. Being best at physics, I thought to perform well this time too! But alas! God wasn’t in favor. The questions were too hard to crack. Physics and Mathematics were too tough, not just for me but for all. I was so disheartened. The clock was running. It was just one and a half hours left out of the three and I didn’t know what to do! The only fear that grabbed me inside the hall was, Will I not be able to make my parents proud again? You won’t believe me but I was literally teary, my hands were shaking. I felt so pressurized that I went completely blank for a few minutes, “Will they hate me again?”. I fear them. I hate to be ashamed so many times. Meeting expectations isn’t such easy.

As I walked out of the hall and sat in my car, I heard my mom mocking again. I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. She won’t understand. The main thing with these high level competitions is that, You are good but there’s always someone better than you and the whole game lies in rankings! As my dad drove the car, sitting in the front seat, I looked out of the window. “What’s my purpose? Is it just to make other’s happy or to be happy myself? Why can’t I leave competing every time and simple look at the sky sometimes? Why can’t I be happy about myself sometimes? Why can’t they accept me by who I am? Why do they need to sell my happiness in order to save their reputations? Why am I never allowed to follow what my heart wants? These questions aren’t new. I have them in my head for quite a long now, about 4 years but I know I won’t find an answer!

Lastly, the purpose of writing this blog is just to plead to you to give importance to the hard work of a person and not just by success or failure! Being failed means I have atleast tried. And that means a lot! If you are a parent or are going to be a parent, it’s my earnest request not to mentally murder your child. I can’t say these things to my parents cause they won’t listen a shit of it but you can! Maybe someday I would see light filling my life cause I know, the sun sets only to rise again!