If I Wasn’t Alive

I cried a lot today. Stains of tears still alive on my cheeks. I can’t withstand this anymore. How much can you tolerate? How much can you pacify yourself? How many times can you stamp the fire burning inside you? I can’t anymore.

I was randomly scrolling through my dad’s Whatsapp where I found my mom’s message. It spoke something like, “Our daughter has just become useless. She got a phobia of exams, things that happen when you aren’t prepared well. We shouldn’t keep high expectations from her. That will ultimately ruin our moods”. This single message just took my heart away from everything. It wasn’t the fact that she insulted me that way, but the fact that she was slyly texting such things to my dad so that I do not get to know about it. The messages pierced my heart when I saw the timing, the message were delivered. It was 12:32 p.m. As much as I could remember, it was just the same time when she told me, “Don’t worry about the exam. Whatever happens will be seen!”.

It’s not the first time my pillow’s totally wet and I am crying under my blanket. It’s not the first time that I felt I am useless. It’s not the first time I felt that I have useless dreams that can never be fulfilled. It was the 1000th time probably. I have been a good student all my life (or atleast everybody thought so). It was decided well before that I would take up science and would ultimately become a doctor or an engineer. I did so! Perusing science in high school, I understood quite well that it wasn’t my cup of tea. Yet I tried harder and harder. Every day and every night I kept aside all my dreams and tried harder to fulfill theirs. Alas! I wasn’t their deserving child! I couldn’t meet up their expectations. They aren’t proud of me anymore. They think I am a useless shit. I cried every night thinking, why it’s always me? Why am I not able to fulfill their desires? And in the morning I would be mocked again and would be perfectly compared to a neighbor’s son and again I would wet my pillows at night.

I kept aside all my dreams. But that kept me awake every night with my eyes full of hope. I want not to become an engineer. I did talk to them about that but they took things so easily by saying, It’s just my excuse cause I am an incapable useless person!

If just once they would have said, “Dear, if you can’t then don’t. Follow what your heart wants, do what you love”, I wouldn’t have been thinking every night that it would have been better if I wasn’t alive anymore….