If I Wasn’t Alive

I cried a lot today. Stains of tears still alive on my cheeks. I can’t withstand this anymore. How much can you tolerate? How much can you pacify yourself? How many times can you stamp the fire burning inside you? I can’t anymore.

I was randomly scrolling through my dad’s Whatsapp where I found my mom’s message. It spoke something like, “Our daughter has just become useless. She got a phobia of exams, things that happen when you aren’t prepared well. We shouldn’t keep high expectations from her. That will ultimately ruin our moods”. This single message just took my heart away from everything. It wasn’t the fact that she insulted me that way, but the fact that she was slyly texting such things to my dad so that I do not get to know about it. The messages pierced my heart when I saw the timing, the message were delivered. It was 12:32 p.m. As much as I could remember, it was just the same time when she told me, “Don’t worry about the exam. Whatever happens will be seen!”.

It’s not the first time my pillow’s totally wet and I am crying under my blanket. It’s not the first time that I felt I am useless. It’s not the first time I felt that I have useless dreams that can never be fulfilled. It was the 1000th time probably. I have been a good student all my life (or atleast everybody thought so). It was decided well before that I would take up science and would ultimately become a doctor or an engineer. I did so! Perusing science in high school, I understood quite well that it wasn’t my cup of tea. Yet I tried harder and harder. Every day and every night I kept aside all my dreams and tried harder to fulfill theirs. Alas! I wasn’t their deserving child! I couldn’t meet up their expectations. They aren’t proud of me anymore. They think I am a useless shit. I cried every night thinking, why it’s always me? Why am I not able to fulfill their desires? And in the morning I would be mocked again and would be perfectly compared to a neighbor’s son and again I would wet my pillows at night.

I kept aside all my dreams. But that kept me awake every night with my eyes full of hope. I want not to become an engineer. I did talk to them about that but they took things so easily by saying, It’s just my excuse cause I am an incapable useless person!

If just once they would have said, “Dear, if you can’t then don’t. Follow what your heart wants, do what you love”, I wouldn’t have been thinking every night that it would have been better if I wasn’t alive anymore….

Published by skylinerise

In search of life...

37 thoughts on “If I Wasn’t Alive

  1. I am so sorry to hear this, my dear friend. Your vulnerability and strength is truly inspiring. I am so grateful you are alive and there are many who feel the same, I promise!!! Everything will be ok, you got this. Stay strong and always believe in your beautiful soul! I’m always here if you need anything 🖤🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel so good because of your such supportive comment🥺🥺. Thank you so much dear friend for reading my post and understanding my pain!! It really means a lot to me. I find wordpress so sweet cause here I cab express myself and there are people who supports me so much! I love this feeling that I am not alone. Thank you again 🥺🥺❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awww you are so welcome!!!! I am always here for you!! WordPress is truly like a little family, and we will always support you!!! Keep being amazingly YOU, you are such a gift and so so strong 🖤🖤🤗🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am so glad to hear that🥺🥺. This really makes me emotional. I have never spoken anything to anybody so openly as I do infront of my wordpress family🥺🥺. Thank you for so much love and support. It truly overwhelms me❤❤❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “They are not proud of me anymore” this sentence is super relatable to me!!! You have written what I am not able to express!!!
    You know what “fuck it” just give the exam, get selected in any engineering college(private or whatever), and go live your life girl!!! You can not keep everyone happy and in order to do that you will never be happy !!! And every individual in this earth deserves happiness

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your comment really inspires me vani! And I have made up my mind to follow my dreams. Just getting into a college I will be starting right away to work for it. I know it wouldn’t be easy but atleast I can give it a try!!
      Thank you so much for you supportive comment🥺🥺. It really means a lot to be ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Its not easy but please try to not think about it , you’re not alone in this , we are with you for yourself.
    You will survive this , because you’re stronger than you seem , just keep trying to do your best, everytime, for making them prove, wrong. Do your best and forget about what others think about it.
    More power to you dear friend 💕🥺

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for reading my blog dear friend!! I am trying harder to achieve things!I know I will be proving them wrong but they just do not want to wait for the right time.
      I am so glad for your support🥺🥺. This means a lot to me!! ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Though you may not see it, I believe you are the light in this dark predicament. All the hard work and perseverance that got you to this point is exactly why you will make it to the end of this tunnel. Don’t give up and most importantly do it for yourself, when you find yourself believing the negative things said by other people (family or not) keep doing your best and remind yourself that you are truly something special 😊 All the best, I am rooting for you💪🏾

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for your support!! This really really means a lot to me🥺🥺. I feel so warm when people support me! Thank you so much for doing that and making me feel good about myself 😊😊❤❤

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey! Why you think like that? Keep in mind you are not alone and never will be.
    I would like to share one of my favourite line from ‘Pursuit of Happiness’,

    “Hey. Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something. Not even me. All right?
    You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.”

    I hope all your endeavours succeed. Don’t lower your expectations to fit into the world.

    Just Be you. And never stop Being you.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I am so happy to get your support!! It makes me feel really lucky to have the support of you guys😊😊. Your quote us really very inspiring and carries a huge message. Thank you so much for sharing it with me🥺🥺.
      I would request you to share your post with me. If you kindly put your post link in the comments, I would be so glad.
      Thank you so much for your love and support😊😊. This really means a lot to me❤❤

      Like

  6. It’s very easy to say “Cheer up and move on, don’t take them seriously” but it’s really not that easy. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to a child. Having your feelings so deeply is not easy. I really hope this passes and that you get to pursue your dreams. I know how this feels and I feel a wound on my heart just imagining it! I just want to say, you are stronger than this. It sounds like it’s not worth making your parents proud because it is something you have no motivation to pursue. So make yourself proud! Just tell them firmly whay you like and let them know that is what you’d like to do. It’s your life after all and you should spend your one life doing things that set your soul on fire! Still, easier said than done. I know the mentality of typical Indian parents. I am praying for you. May got help you past this and give you what you deserve- a fulfilling life with something you really love. Hugsss 🤍🤍

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am so glad and overwhelmed by your comment that I can’t explain! You are totally right dear. I have decided to go after my dreams. Got just one life. There’s no harm in trying! Let’s see where it takes me. Thank you so much for reading my post and supporting me so so much!!! I am really inspired by your comment dear . Lots of love for you 😊😊❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So sorry! No one should have to face this. Please remember they love you and letting them down is not something you should fear. You are an amazing daughter and all you can do is try your best. You need to stop attaching their expectations to your performance. It’s easy to say, their words hold the power to hurt you but try. That’s the best you can do! Also, maybe your mother does not want to demotivate you but is scared so she spoke to your dad!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you dear for the inspiration 🥺🥺. It really means a lot to me. I am so happy to get so much support! It makes me stronger. Thank you for such sweet comments 🥰😊❤❤

      Like

  8. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You have amazing talent you probably haven’t even discovered yet. Sometimes parents are too caught up in looks and show and what will others think that they sacrifice their children’s feelings in the end. Their reputation is more important. It is not you with the problem, it is them. Their unwillingness to see your brilliance, your potential. I understand how you feel. I am not the golden child in my family even though I have a high degree of education. My siblings who are popular and social have more praise and status than me. This made me sad but it also made me realise . I am happy being me. I would not trade being me for anyone! Because I don’t live for what’s out there. I love for what is in my heart. Do what’s in your heart. Do it for you! You don’t need to have anyone’s approval.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the immense support dear friend 🥺🥺. This really really means a lot to me! It feels so good when I see people supporting me. I have always been in a confusion that is I am right, if I should follow my whims, what if it ruins me? But now I understand I must follow my desires even if it ruins me cause there’s a terrible peace in that ruin. I would rather be ruined by my dreams than ruining myself, regretting all my life…

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Your dreams are very high but to achieve the targets you must work hard.As per your dreams and expectations of your parents, you should do work days and nights and stop weeping and ugly thoughts. In America a teacher was delivering lectures in the classroom on seeing high dreams in life. A student raised a question what is your dream Sir.? He replied that he wants to become President of America. All the students were laughing to hear the reply. After some years the the said teacher become the president of America even Two times and he was Barack Obama.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know my dreams are high but it’s just because I do not wish to dream small. Dreaming high is no harm. I do not dream what my parents dream of and that is what I have explained in this article. I have tried to fulfill theirs but I wasn’t cause my heart have always yearned for something else.
      To achieve my dream I can put in any effort at any cost but as everything needs a little guidance, I too need help!

      Like

      1. Consistency, Determination, hardworking, daily exercising for half an hour, drinking juice, eating dry fruit, creating ideal atmosphere, set aside the past, sleeping 6-8 hours daily etc are the basic tools fulfilling the dreams.

        Liked by 1 person

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