I was happy until yesterday. I still hope I hadn’t seen his messages. I still hope I never went back! I was happy, satisfied, contented form throwing out negative people from my life. I was in peace. So much in peace! I could do what I wished. I could spend a lovely day without a warm abuse! Overall, I was satisfied with the fact that he was gone. I even had the most peaceful sleep ever yesterday night! This immense peace wasn’t from the fact that I had a breakup but from the fact that his absence didn’t bother me. I was stable even without him and I was much more stable without him! I never had to worry where he is, if he’s okay, if he’s angry, whether I had said something that must have made him upset, whether I should say or not a particular thing. The peace was from realizing the fact that being away from him won’t shatter me!
Today morning, I do not know why, I just thought of looking at my inbox for any messages from him (a bullshit thing I did) . Although I knew there won’t be any but for a last time check before deleting my account, I decided to do so. And there was one! Not too long, not too apologizing. It said, he too feels he hadn’t given me enough respect and is sorry for that but he would TRY to be respectful in future! This TRIAL didn’t sound too convincing to me. I left it without a reply. About an hour later, I finally decided to write to him that I wasn’t convinced and I would like to end things right there. I went back to my inbox where I found loads of messages. He was scared if I was really gone. It was the time I understood his ways of manipulation. Every time he threatened of leaving me was his way of manipulating me to obey whatever he says. He knew my weakness, my fear of separation and used it carefully against me multiple times. And when it was me, ready to leave without a regret, he was scared (where would he get another pretty, foolish, obedient chick)! I was bursting in anger. I replied, we talked for a while but it wasn’t a normal talk. I said all I had to. I said without a fear! There’s nothing left for me to loose now. What should I fear for?
I am at that point of my life where it doesn’t matter to me if someone stays or leaves. I love myself and that is enough! The conversation was hot. I said everything I kept hidden within me for so long. He must know it wasn’t easy for me to bear disrespect. I do not know where the freaking long conversation concluded. He said bye and went away. It’s been five hours without a conclusion. But that doesn’t bother me as well! Nothing bothers me now! A few days ago I posted an article on “What If I Never Feel Pain Again?”, where I had written of situations that make you so indifferent that you do not feel PAIN whatever happens. I had written it then but I know it now….