Writing after almost two days. For the past two days I felt like doing nothing! Exactly nothing! Neither studying, nor walking, not sitting, nor eating nor writing nor sleeping nor waking nor listening nor speaking nor even living. I do not know, it’s happening to me nowadays. I never ever left like this before. I always had something on my mind that I would love to do but now it’s just like feeling all empty. This year long lockdown and the stubborn virus is eating my head the whole day. I feel like running away somewhere I do not know or doing something but I do not know what. The only thing you can ever do is to wake up or sleep or eat everything you do not like or drink (only water) or study and study and again eat, sleep and drink.
I am literally getting irritated. Being irritated even by my own family. I wish to do something but I do not know what. The whole fucking day goes by thinking what would make me happy? I do not find anything interesting. For over a year now I have not been out at all. Staying all day at home. A few days earlier my parents used to be out for work. I had little independence and could do whatever I wished. Jump, dance, sing, shout, eat, sleep and anything I liked but for the terrifying pandemic, my mom and dad are all day at home and all day in my room and I always have to act to be that “good girl”. Well how can you possible act the whole day?? Even a terribly great actor would not make it but I have to.
All stressed up. I am unstable right now. Do not know when the examinations are gonna commence and believe me even though I try my best to study I can’t. I literally do not feel like doing anything at all. Exactly nothing! I just feel like running away to some place where I could get a bit of fresh air. I am stuffed. Feels like I can’t breathe. I haven’t seen the sky shining for over a year now. Staying locked at home the whole fucking day with lots of uncertainty is really horrible (I can sense you miss Anne Frank!).
I am loosing my temper, feels like how good would it be if I could break stuffs, shout at everyon. Am getting irritated everytime and in everything (even when the red underlines appear when I am writing is making me fiercely irritated. I am right now feeling to smash my laptop). I do not know anything about this vast change. I used to be a jolly girl, with a bright smile and happy face and now I only have a wrinkled forehead. How gross! Even thinking of the changes makes me mad. I am getting such a spoilt temper!
[P.S: I even shouted at my bff and we had a fight which made me more furious. Well it was his fault. How dare he talk to somebody else when I am online!]
lastly, stay safe. Stay happy and give me some hints on improving my behavior (Oh! fuck these red lines…no I am not gonna correct them…how dare you show me those creepy red lines!)