Every task we perform is being bound by certain limits. Whenever I want to explore my subconscious mind suddenly calls me back saying, “See you are reaching your limits. Step back fool!!”
While I wish to run a little, walk a little, rejoice some more, eat much, play, enjoy, relax and go wild sometimes, I step back thinking of the limit barrier. It stops me from doing everything I love to or I want to. It stops me to know how I am. It stops me to think how I wish to think, be how I wish to be. Sometimes I do want to get rid of all these exam pressures and thoughts of constant competition and get a bit of peace in my life. Fuck dude! I even do not know when the examinations will be back on track or whether it will ever be back and still I need to keep myself constantly pressurized thinking that the examination might be announced anytime as soon the situation starts to get better. I want to relax, have fun, enjoy but then somewhere in my mind I keep thinking of all those bitch who might be studying while I will be busy enjoying myself.
I sometimes wish to go wild, just wild like I have never been. With a loud music on repeat and me dancing on the beat, jumping on my cushions until they die, eating whatever I wish, not thinking how much belly I would eventually make, dressing up all the way sassy and be happy just to look at myself in the mirror, sing aloud whatever I like and in whatever tone I wish to (only if the lady next door doesn’t jump off from the third floor after that), shouting all alone in the house whatever I wish to, sleeping without an alarm, having subscriptions on every platform and fall asleep watching a Netflix show, ordering as many pizzas I could probably fit in my fridge, reading all sorts of novels and stories I love and staying happy from within is all what I wish I could do.
But what I actually do is to put five alarms everytime I sleep, no subscriptions, no eating much, no dancing, no jumping, no singing, no reading books except the ones in my tiring syllabus, no eating junk, no shouting, no sassy looks and no loud music are all the rules and norms at home. Setting limits at every step that consistently calls me back. The inner me is all the way different than the outer me. The inner me is such a jolly, happy, playing girl and the outer me is so boring. I sometimes get bored of myself. How I wish I could just evaporate and condense to some other body for a temporary period of time until I get bored again.
Lastly, stay safe. stay happy.